{5 Things No One Tells You About Pregnancy}

This is my first pregnancy, clearly I’m no expert. But I’ve read lots of books {including Jenny McCarthy’s hilarious books}, blogs, web sites, etc and there are still a few things that no one tells you about being pregnant. I’m limiting this to five items because it’s definitely possible to rant on and on, but I only want to give you the five most important things no one tells you. If you’re a man, or easily offended, you should probably stop reading this post immediately.

  1. You Are Going to STANK
    Yep, like a homeless man. Like four of them, all stored in a small box, that’s been sitting in the sun, in the middle of the summer in DC, for eight hours. I know you’re probably thinking “Ummm get yourself some deodorant girl!” Yea, I have that, and antiperspirant. The like strongest you can buy. But my armpits STILL stink. I’ll put on my antiperspirant in the morning and by the end of the day, it’s like I didn’t even apply any. Now your stench is not only limited to your armpits. Oh yea, ladies, I’m about to go there. Your special area, it ain’t gonna smell like a Summer’s Eve day. Nope, there is so much crap coming out of you, and so much heat permeating off of your body, that it’s impossible for you to keep your lady parts smelling like roses. I’m sorry, it just ain’t gonna happen. Just know, you’ve been warned.

  2. Your Baby Still Kicks When You Are Going #1 and #2
    No one warned me about this small little gem of information. Do you have any idea what it’s like to try to go #2 with a baby kicking you in your stomach? Or trying to pee with a baby kicking your lady parts? If you are anything like me and you have a small stint with constipation, and a cervical cerclage, welcome to one of the most uncomfortable experiences ever. One, you can’t push anything out because of the cerclage and all you want to do is push so you won’t be constipated anymore. Two, your child is kicking you while you are trying to figure out a way to go to the bathroom. It is a totally bizarre experience. Just actually happened 20 minutes ago while I was taking a little bathroom break to tinkle. Just a little kick/jab to the lady parts while I’m tinkling…that’s fun little baby. Thanks for that.

  3. Those Are NOT Seizures in Your Stomach, Promise
    I know, it’s feels like it doesn’t it? Nope, that’s your uterus having a muscle spasm, getting your body prepared for labor {and caused by Braxton Hicks}. Isn’t that interesting and exciting? Your own big huge uterus can spasm. Cool huh? So no need to freak out, like I did, and think your child is having seizures all day long in your stomach. Those crazy quick paced movements are just muscle spasms. You’d think someone at the doctor’s office would maybe mention this to you, that it could possibly even occur, you would be wrong. But thanks to my annoying phone calls to my OB’s office, you are now armed with the knowledge you need to know. These crazy movements could also be the baby performing somersaults in your tummy since the space for the baby to move gets smaller and smaller. Poor thing all cooped up in there without any room to move! Somersault away little cuteness, Mommy loves you.

  4. Everyone Has an Unsolicited Opinion
    Listen, if you don’t want to breast feed, that’s fine, that’s your decision. If you want to give cloth diapering a shot, go for it! If you plan to go back to work, or stay home, virtual high-five. Want to wear stilettos, or loving your flip-flops, more power to ya sister. Whatever you want to do, is making you feel good, or keeping you comfortable, that’s awesome, and don’t let anyone tell you any different.

    Unfortunately, you are going to find that everyone has an opinion. Whether you ask for it or not. They are also not afraid to tell you how ridiculous your idea is, why you are wrong, and how terrible you are for “thinking that/wanting to do that/having that idea.” I don’t think anyone honestly means any harm and truly seem to just want to give you their perspective on how things worked out for them. But, what folks don’t realize is that a lot of times you aren’t seeking their opinion. You’re just simply talking about your plans. And just so they do know, I’m not a bad mom or “stupid” for a) not wanting to breast feed, b) going back to work, or c) just wanting to figure out some of this for myself. I’m one of those people who just has to try it. Don’t get me wrong, I love hearing about your experience, but just be careful in your delivery. I’m probably not looking for your opinion, I’m just looking for a friendly ear.

  5. You Won’t Actually Remember the Moment You Can’t See Your Lady Parts
    No I’m serious, I couldn’t tell you when it happened. All I know is that I can’t see it. I haven’t been able to for months. “But when Megan, when did that happen”? I DON’T KNOW!! Isn’t that terrifying? It’s kind of a monumental moment that a woman should remember, don’t ya think? When you look down and it’s not there anymore. But I couldn’t tell ya, not a clue. Oh, do you trim your lady parts? HA! Godspeed my friend on attempting to trim that blindly. It seems like it wouldn’t be hard right? {laughing} Yea, that’s what I thought. Well, I’m here to tell you, it ain’t easy. And if you cut yourself, or end up looking like a striped wooly mammoth, you get a free pass.

So, there you have it, my 5 things someone SHOULD have told me, but they didn’t. Any you would like to add?

Linked up at: Beauty in the Mess: Babies and Beyond

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11 thoughts on “{5 Things No One Tells You About Pregnancy}”

  1. Hahahaha… you are hilarious, Megan, and totally spot on. 🙂 Nobody told me that after you have the baby, you’ll have a super-mega-forever period for like 2 months. I thought I was dying. The doctor just laughed at me. Whatevs!

    1. I’d think I was dying too! I’m just waiting to put together an “After Giving Birth” list of what no one tells you b/c I’m certain that one is going to be loaded. 🙂

  2. Where did my first comment go? Sad. 🙁 Anyway, I said that I am with ya on #5–NO IDEA when that happened. I don’t think there have otherwise been too many surprises, but I did always think that “baby brain” was a myth. And it is NOT. My baby is slowly stealing my memory. I forgot why I walked into Target the other day. It’s bad.

  3. haha I am so in agreement on #5. I have NO IDEA when that happened. I don’t feel like there have been too many surprises otherwise but I did always think that “baby brain” was kind of a myth…no. It’s so not a myth. The baby is, in fact, slowly stealing my memory. (I forgot why I walked into Target the other day. It’s bad.)

    1. I’ve been good (knock on wood) on the baby brain, but I’m certain it’s coming. I think all of the peanut M&Ms I’ve been eating are helping to keep it in tact. {laughing} Honestly though, even if you forget to go into Target do we really need a reason?!?!?

  4. Haha! Love this, Megan! And thanks for the heads up. These are definitely important things to be aware of! 🙂

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