So You’re Having a Baby…Well, Let Me Set the Stage For You

May 25, 2016

So You're Having a Baby, Let's Chat |

Your first baby? CONGRATUFREAKINGLATIONS!! First and foremost, getting pregnant is a lot harder than people think. So if you struggled to get pregnant, kudos to your cervix, your uterus, your vagina, your eggs, your special private areas, your body, and all of the rest of it. Because that crap, ain’t easy and I know it first hand. I’m super excited for you. Having kids, if someone hasn’t mentioned this previously, is single-handily the most rewarding thing you will ever do in your life. Unless you are Mother Teresa, and then you probably will do way more rewarding things like save children from poverty, make the blind see, and all of those other great things people who are way more giving than I am do. But I mean here in my world, single-handily the most rewarding. That being said, it’s also the most challenging. So let’s just a few things straight.

  1. Opinions are like Assholes, Everyone Has One…don’t listen to them. Your next door neighbor, your co-worker, a girl you knew from elementary school, and people in the line at the grocery store (just to name a few) are going to give you “advice,” aka OPINIONS. Opinions on sleeping, on your marriage, on your perinatal health, on feedings, on milestones, on anything and everything they feel inclined to shove down your throat without even being prompted for their opinion. It never ends {even after you have the child}. So, just smile politely, nod your head, thank them, and don’t retain a word that was spoken. Little secret here, we’re all just winging it. We have no idea what we are talking about. I know most people mean well, buuuuut it’s going to get really annoying.
  2. You’re Never Going to Sleep Again…just kidding! You totally will. In like 6 – 8 months from the day you deliver. Did you know that sleep deprivation is actually used as a torture mechanism? True story. You will soon find out why. You think you aren’t sleeping now because you’re uncomfortable? Oh honey, the walking dead is about to become your reality. I already hate it for you. It is THE PITS. Nothing can prepare you for it, nothing. And you’re going to look like shit. There, I said it. You’ll also feel like shit because…
  3. Your Body Will Not Be a Wonderland…sorry John Mayer, but my body was WRECKED. I had a c-section so I’m different from a vaginal delivery gal. But I’ve heard about the splitting, and I’ll take my c-section scar any day over that. I bow my head for the ladies who’ve been cut, ripped, split….ooooo girl, tear in my eye and grabbing my crotch/backside just thinking about it. You won’t look like yourself. You won’t feel like yourself. Your stomach will be weird. Like there is still a baby in there, but there isn’t. It will be squishy – like bread dough. And those hormones. I mean sweet mother of all things holy, those hormones will send you straight to the loony bin. Crying in the shower, in the car, on the couch, no reason for any of it. Just crying. It just takes a little while for you to start feeling okay. AND THAT IS OKAY! Don’t rush yourself – let the healing process do its thing. But if you aren’t feeling yourself after two or more weeks, and your Baby Blues have extended a bit further, tell someone. Specifically tell your OB. We don’t need you getting into the situation I was in.
  4. You Might Want to Divorce Your Husband…don’t worry, you won’t! And you totally aren’t alone. Speaking from experience, I actually contemplated stabbing mine once. It was when he told me that he “needed 6 hours of sleep, at least, to be functional.” *I have a very not nice look on my face right now* I was going off of 9 straight days of 2 hour sleep intervals. Yea. He was was getting 5 hours/night of uninterrupted sleep. You can see how my sympathy for his plight ran thin, can’t you? Anyhooo, listen, this is a HUGE life change. HUGE. It’s hard for you, and for him, and for your marriage. And a lot of this is just not natural for men. Maternal instincts are a REAL thing. If your husband hasn’t had any exposure to infants previously, how in the heck would he know what he’s doing? No amount of baby classes can help that! So yes, if that thought crosses your mind, NORMAL. And don’t worry about mentioning it to your other mommy friends. They thought it too, even if they look at you, put their hand on their chest, gasp, and say “Oh no, I never thought that. He was so helpful!” LIES. LIES AND DECEIT! They wanted to stab him and divorce him at least once, if not 10 times. Doesn’t mean they love him any less. And their marriage is probably stronger from it.
  5. You’ll Question Why You Ever Did This…ha! We all did!! I’m not joking, you will actually look at your husband and say out loud “What the f%*! were we thinking? Why did we do this?” You’ll want your old life back. To sleep. To just hop in the car and go to the gym or get your nails done. On a whim, just cause you can. But you can’t. Your whole life becomes a plan. Uggggh planning. So much planning. *laughing* Yes, someone will be nice enough to come watch the baby for a little while for you and the break will be glorious! But there’s always a time limit and you’ll never stop wondering what’s happening at home. It takes a while to get used to the whole thing. I found it took me almost a year to fully adjust to life with a kid. I know that varies from person to person, but it was crazy hard. 34 years of doing my own thing – 16 adult years doing my own thing, hard stuff. But you find a new norm. And you will still years down the road long for your old life some days. But 99% of the time, you wouldn’t change a thing {okay maybe 98.8% ;)}.

So after saying all of that, let me just say this: It’s hard. It’s tiring. It’s cool. But it’s going to suck. And I feel like no one tells anyone that. It really is going to suck for a little while. And then one day, it just doesn’t any more. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. It’s so cool, and so hard, and so sucky, and did I mention hard? You’re going to do great momma, don’t worry. But don’t beat yourself up, don’t think you’re alone, and don’t say I didn’t tell you so. 😉 *laughing*

Hugs and Love from

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