My Husband Said…

My husband says some pretty ridiculous things. I find him highly amusing. The best part though, he has no idea that things that come out of his mouth are a) ridiculous, and b) hilar. So I decided I’d keep a running log of ridiculousness so I could always refer back to it and make myself giggle. And please feel free to share your husband’s (or significant other’s) completely wrong, yet wonderful, musings as well. I love knowing I’m not alone on the crazy spouse/significant other train! 🙂

February 24, 2016
*laying in bed*
Husband: I was picking toe jam out of my toes and it stinks.
Me: WHAT? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME? Wait, don’t repeat it. I’m afraid I’ll love you less.
Husband: My fingers stink now, do you want to smell them?
Me: NO! NO. I. DON’T. I love you less right now. I really do. You are so gross. Why are you so gross?
Husband: Babe, it’s really hard being me. You should show some empathy. Toe jam is a complicated structure.
Me: Yep, I love you less. Stop talking.

May 3, 2015
*cooking dinner*
Me: Babe, how long is this supposed to cook?
Husband: Until it’s done.

May 2, 2015
*making the bed*
Husband: This sucks.
Me: What? Making the bed?
Husband: Ugggh, no, being an adult!

August 11, 2014
*watching Shark Week*
Husband: Can you imagine that thing coming at you? I would just sh!t myself and be like “Just go ahead and eat me.” I’m serious, poop would come straight outta my a$$. Wait, maybe that would deter the shark. What do you think babe?
Me: I think you are weird.

August 2014
*While reading to the baby*
Husband: And B is for Blue Rutabaga.
Me: That’s a blueberry babe.
Husband: *Puzzled look*
Me: Trust me on this one babe. B is for blue, blueberry. *exit the room*
Husbad: Don’t listen to her. She’s just crazy old bat that doesn’t know her vegetables. THAT is a Rutabaga.
Me: I can still hear you and it is still a blueberry.

May 22, 2014
Husband: You would be really successful in sales.
Me: Why do you say that?
Husband: You’re pretty.
Me: Huh?
Husband: People buy sh!t from pretty people. Believe me. I’m hot, people buy tons of sh!t from me. And the hottest people on my team have the best sales. I’m telling you, it’s all about being stunning, like me.
Me: *heavy roll of my eyes*

May 9, 2014
Husband: Man, being a chick must suck.
Me: Yea it has its days.
Husband: Like taking a shower for instance. You can’t just wash your balls and be done.

December 2013
Husband: I feel like I’m catching amonia.
Me: You mean pneumonia?
Husband: No, ammonia.
Me: Babe, ammonia is a cleaner. Pneumonia is an illness in the lungs.
Husband: Are you sure? I’m pretty sure you catch ammonia. I’ve always told people to be careful not to catch ammonia.
Me: *blank stare*

November 10, 2013Changing the baby’s diaper in her room.
Husband: Oh my God she sh!t on me!!! The baby sh!t on me babe!
Me: *yelling from the kitchen* Okay lover, you’ll be fine.
Husband: How does one little baby have so much nasty, stinky, sh!t coming out of her? I don’t even smell this bad.
Me: It’s the formula babe.
Husband: Come to think of it, I’m pretty proud of her right now. Way to go little girl, you just made your daddy proud. High-five? Oh yea, you can’t high-five yet, we’ll work on that.

September 8, 2013 laying on the couch together
Husband: I wish my balls were as exciting to you, as your new pregnant boobs are to me.
Me: Me too lover, me too. But they aren’t.
Husband: I know, that’s so sad to me.

August 2013 Discussing Bathing Our Future Child
Husband: Why do we need this Puju tub? We have a bathtub, can’t we just put the baby in the bathtub?
Me: No, we can’t “just put the baby in the bathtub”, are you serious?
Husband: What? You just fill up the bathtub, throw the kid in, give ’em a good wash, and out they come all squeaky clean.
Me: No Andrew, the baby will drown. Babies can’t hold their head up and truly shouldn’t be submerged in any amount of water.
Husband: *blank stare* I’m going to be a terrible father.

Thursday, August 1, 2013 After eating at Captain Pells Restaurant
Me: Did you wash your hands after eating all of those crab legs?
Husband: No. And I need to get home soon. My face smells like…like…dirty…sorry I forgot you aren’t a boy, I’ll shut up now.
Me: I know where that was going, and thank you for stopping.

Saturday, June 1, 2103 The 495 on-ramp
Me: Pretty sure you are using an entire tank of gas to get past this one car.
Husband: What? I can’t hear you. I’m too busy listening to my 5.6 liters of pure f**king awesomeness. TONY STEWART POWER BABY!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013 leaving for work in the morning
Husband {to the cats laying in the hallway}: Well you guys look like you are going to be productive today, licking your buttholes. I wish I could lick my own butthole all day long. You have amazing lives you stupid cats, amazing lives. LICK AWAY!!

Monday, May 20, 2013 laying in bed at night and the baby kicks visibly for the first time
Husband: WHAT THE F&*! WAS THAT?!?!?!
Me: The baby just kicked me.
Husband: Oh my God there’s an alien inside of you! {much louder} There’s an alien inside of you!

Thursday, February 7, 2013: having my first vaginal ultrasound
Husband: Wait a minute, what is that?
Me: What is what?
Husband: That big long thing. Are you they going to stick that in you?
Me: Yes Andrew, that’s how we are going to see the fetus.
Husband: Good God! That’s the biggest and longest dildo I’ve ever seen. Doc, this isn’t good for me, you know that right? This could really give a guy a complex.

Monday, January 28, 2013: he’s laying in bed, I’m in the office
Husband: What are you writing about me on that blog?
Me: What?
Husband: What are you writing about me on that damn blog? I know you are writing about me. You aren’t as funny as you think you are Megan.
Me: What?
Husband: God! Okay you are funny. There I said, you’re funny. I HATE that I just said that out loud!

Sunday, January 20, 2013: while watching the Ravens vs. Patriots game
Husband: I have a cramp in my butt cheek.
Me: *perplexed look*
Husband: I was clenching my butt so hard during the Ravens offensive drive, my butt cheek cramped up.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013: while in the shower
Husband: *singing* Girl look at this body, girl look at this body, uh huh I work out!
Me: Really, LMFAO?
Husband: Well, I mean everyone thinks I look like Aaron Rodgers baby. I’m amazingly hot. And check out my abs. Jezus I’m hot! I’d totally hook up with me. You are so lucky woman. LUCKY!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012: while laying in bed
Husband: OH MY GOSH! It feels SO GOOD to do this!!
Me: What feels so good? What are you talking about?
Husband: Scratching my ass. It feels so good to scratch my ass babe!

Sunday, October 14, 2012: standing next to the bed gyrating
Me: What in the world are you doing sir?
Husband: Drying out my stuff.
Me: *perplexed look*
Husband: So fresh and so clean clean! *with his hand up in the air*

Thursday, September 27, 2012: opening his fortune cookie
Husband: “Golden showers are coming to you…WHAT THE HELL KIND OF FORTUNE COOKIES ARE THESE?”
Me: Let me see that! *roll my eyes* It says Golden HOURS Andrew!
Husband: *shrugs* Really?!?!? Well that’s boring.

32 thoughts on “My Husband Said…”

  1. Your husband is hilarious!!!! But what makes him more hilarious is the fact that my husband says some of the exact same hilarious stuff! They don’t even know that we’re laughing AT them, not with them!! LOL!!!! Thanks for sharing!

    1. « Vulgarisé » : c’est vrai, ça ne nous fait plus rien…Alors que je me souviens très bien avoir été très impressionné par le petit chelem de Wilander en 88, vu que c’était la 1ère fois que ça arrivait depuis que je m’intéressais au tennis en 76.

  2. What an awesome blog you have 🙂

    A few days after I had my daughter, my hubby says to me as I’m getting dressed “hey look your belly is shrinking” ! Well frig I gave birth, I would really hope so. Men!

  3. Absolutely hilarious. I’ve started keeping a log of ridiculous stuff my husband says too. Let me check and see if any of them are not Rated R…aaaand no. No, they are not. But to give you an idea, he uses these corny, vulgar pick up lines on me like we’re not already married. It’s hilarious.

    1. Best!!! Andrew says some of those corny a$$ lines and I just stare at him. He laughs and laughs at himself. Lawrd have mercy. I don’t mind a little “R” ‘ness – share away!! 🙂

  4. While watching a documentary on Discovery Channel about the discovery of giant dinosaur fossils my husband says,
    “do you think Dinosaurs actually like existed?”
    Me: “really Aaron?!”
    …and this man graduated college cum laude

  5. I just saw this post. I don’t know if you are still doing this but I thought you would enjoy some things my husband has told me. He thinks he is funny!

    “You look younger than Betty White.”

    “When I met you, cupid shot me in the butt with an arrow and you have been a pain in my as ever since.”

    “My love for you is more full than an over flowing toilet.”

    “Your prettier than a headless fish in a frying pan.”

    “When I first met you, your butt was a one hander (he put his hand on my but like my entire butt could fit in his hand) but now it’s a two hander (he put both hands on my butt).” I just asked him about this to see if he remembered saying this and he said, “It’s not a two hander anymore, it’s more like a three hander.”

    Well, girls, this is just a sample of the things my husband has said. He is really a sweet guy. He is just teasing when he says stuff like this. He thinks he is funny.

    I have threatened my husband that I was going to write a book about him and call it Things You Should Never Say To A Woman.

    1. Jan I LOVE THESE! Your husband obviously means no harm, but you should write that book! *laughing* I added some into my phone this weekend so I definitely need to update the page. 🙂

  6. You’re not gonna believe it but I already got one tonight!! LOL…..So we are watching TV and a commercial comes on with some nice young woman showing off how tight fitting the new Soma bra and panties fit……..Here ya go…….”Yeah, I coulda been a model…..yeah that is until I stopped growing….ummmm in about the 5th grade” Gotta love em’… 🙂

  7. Okay, this is a great idea! One of my blogging friends and I actually talked about doing something like this before, I will have to share this with her! My husband says the most ridiculous things too, and my mom always told me I should be writing them down 🙂 I am so glad I found your blog… it is too cute! And I’m following on Facebook now too 🙂 I will definitely be back! You should totally think about making this a weekly thing or something where we can all post that cute image on our blogs with the funny{stupid} thing our husband said this week, and then come link it up here or something!

      1. I just came to grab the link to this post to share it with my friend and saw your reply 🙂 I would so join in and help pimp it out if you did start up a party! I’ve got plenty to write about 😉 Thank you so much for the sweet comment on my blog! I worked hard on it but then I come to sites like yours and want to trade 🙂 LOVE your site! Can’t believe it took me so long to find you. Gosh.

        1. Let’s dooo it! I basically know nothing about link parties so you might have to show me the ways of the blogging world. But I think it would be so fahreaking funny (and awesome) to see what other hubbies are saying. 🙂 And seriously your design is FABULOUS!! Loves it.

          1. hehee LOVE IT!!!!! Hi Megan! I’m “the blogging friend” hehehe & my hubs says some crazy stuff too!! I <3 it! YES – keep me in the loop about this linky partee – Britni & I have been shooting this idea around for a while & SOMETHING has to be done!!!!!

  8. Hilarious!! Yeah and you’re not alone…..I will try and remember some of my own significant other’s quotes. He too, has a strange, but funny haha sense of humor 🙂

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