{Postpartum Depression: My Story}

December 12, 2013

Postpartum Depression | TheMcBaileys.com Story

The post below was written when Waverly was 5-weeks old. I thought that I was feeling the way I was because I wasn’t getting much sleep. Because I had a newborn. I figured it would get better. Everyone told me it would. So instead of asking for help, I let it go on a little longer. The fact of the matter is I had stopped smiling. Stopped laughing. Stopped seeing joy in anything in my life. One night around 3 a.m., when Waverly was 8-weeks old, I decided everyone would be better off if I wasn’t around anymore.

I laid awake in my bed and made the decision that I would leave this place. I would leave before my husband had a chance to fall out of love with me, to hate me. Before my daughter had the opportunity to figure out that her mother was a monster. I would relieve anyone from the burden of my existence. I inched myself out of bed slowly, not to wake my husband, and crept down the hall to check on the baby. I walked down the stairs to the basement and just stood there staring out the back doors into the darkness. I was so tired. So sad. So alone. So done. I laid down on the couch, curled into a ball, and fell asleep there.

When I woke the next morning, my mind still made up, I did a few things to prepare. I wrote my husband a letter explaining why I had done what I had done, letting him know it wasn’t it his fault, that I loved him more that I could ever express in words, and that I knew he, better than I, was the best person to care for our beautiful little girl. I took some pictures with Waverly, told her all the things I knew I would never get to tell her in person, and put her down for her morning nap. And then something happened.

Waverly happened. She cried out. So I ran upstairs to see what was wrong. Nothing was wrong. She was just staring at me with those big beautiful blue eyes and that perfect little nose. And then she smiled, a huge smile. I cried. Not because I was upset, but because it was divine intervention. She fell right back asleep after that. Just closed her eyes and went back into her perfect little peaceful slumber.

I came downstairs and called my OB. I needed help. No amount of talking or therapy was going to help me at this point {believe me, I had talked enough} I needed a little medical assistance. I’m so lucky, he truly is an amazing doctor. He called in a prescription for me and told me to go pick it up immediately. To take my first pill as soon as possible. That together, we were going to fix this…and I believed him.

When I showed up at Target to pick up the prescription I almost didn’t go through with picking it up. I stood 5 feet from the pharmacy counter and contemplated what I was doing. Was this the only way? Was I making a mistake? Was this the easy way out? Was I being dramatic? But I knew there really wasn’t another option if I wanted to save my life.

I’m on my 4th week now and my life is so dramatically different. It took a few weeks to get adjusted {the first week was a fog}, but it was worth it. I’m back to myself. I cherish my moments with my daughter, my husband, my family. I can’t imagine not seeing those big blue eyes {both pairs} on a daily basis. Hearing my husbands soothing voice and contagious laugh. Not being able to watch my daughter figure out this big world around her {she discovered her hands and is holding her head up now}. I’m still stunned I thought taking my life was the best option, but I did {crazy to me to even say that…blows my mind still}.

So I’m sharing this with you, new mommy, because I know it’s hard and you feel alone. And I know those thoughts you are having are not you talking. It’s the postpartum depression talking. Don’t listen to that voice. Don’t let that voice ruin the best thing that has ever happened to you. Don’t let that voice take over you life. Tell someone. Talk to your doctor. Tell me. Do not be ashamed or scared to get help. You haven’t failed, there isn’t anything wrong with you, this CAN be fixed. Please don’t let it spiral to a point of no return. You are NOT alone. This is more common than you think, even though no one is talking about it. I am. I’m here. I’ll help. I’ll talk about it with you.

I know this post will probably stir up controversy. Some of my readers, and my friends, will probably see me very differently now. You may feel sorry for me, think I’m weak, too bold for sharing, unfit to have a child. I can understand those thoughts you might have, but I don’t agree with them. Don’t feel sorry for me, I’m okay. I’m not weak, I’m strong for reaching out and speaking out. I’m not too bold, I’m real and trying to help others. And I’m not unfit, I’m just learning the ropes like all of you did. But I understand, and I don’t judge you, if you think those things. I thought them once too. I just needed a little perspective to change my mind.

Hugs and Love from TheMcBaileys.com



——————————————————-

Postpartum: Can’t Do This Anymore

I can’t do this anymore.

It’s 6:15am, I’ve been up since 2am. Prior to that I got 3 hours of sleep. My back aches, my arms are numb, my body is shutting down, my brain has given up, and my soul is dying.

There is nothing I can do to console her. She cries in the swing, in the MamaRoo, in the Rock N Play, in her crib, in my arms. I’ve paced this house, and these stairs, so many times I can now tell you there are 38 steps from the living room to the front door. 12 steps to the basement. 13 to the upstairs.

I can’t do this anymore.

I’ve spent weeks convincing myself it will be okay, it will get better. On day 35, it’s not better. We had a two-day reprieve the past two nights. Well, I did. She slept 3-hours between feedings. Andrew’s feedings were horrible. Crying non-stop from 8pm – midnight.

He can’t do this anymore.

People told me this was the worst part. They just never told me how bad it could be. I have a doctors appointment this morning and I’ve actually considered ways to postpone returning home. The only reason I want to return home is to see Andrew, not her.

I can’t do this anymore.

I wonder if I’ll ever enjoy this? I assume I won’t. I find myself thinking back to the days before she arrived and longing for them terribly. I just want to sleep. I just want to take a normal shower. I just want to not have to plan my day in 45 minute increments. I just want to be selfish again. There, I said it.

I’m losing the will to do this anymore.

I’ve said and thought some pretty awful things these past three weeks {she was an angel the first two}. I told my 10lb daughter to shut up this morning…mother of the year right here. I’ve wondered if someone would take her, just for a few days, so I could get a break from her. Learn to miss her. Some days I stare at her and just see her as a stranger. An invader in my home and life. I feel like I don’t deserve to have a child for these thoughts. Who in their right mind tells their 10lb, 35-day old daughter to shut up? There has to be something wrong with me.

I won’t do this anymore.

I didn’t even think I would be able to have children. No one really knew if it was going to happen for me. And then this little miracle showed up. Without medical intervention, without really even trying, she was just there in my uterus, growing.

I can’t, I don’t want to, I won’t, but I have to do this.

I’m losing my mind, I’m certain of that. But, I’ll push forward. I don’t have a choice. None of this is her fault. I can’t punish her. She didn’t ask to be brought into this cold, cruel world. But I did. I asked for her. I prayed for her. I loved her before I knew her. I can feel that love again, I just need a little help. A little help to pull me out of this dark place. Get me back to the state of mind where I’m a lot less angry, sleepy, and more rationale. Someone, anyone, I just need a little help. Can you hear me? I just need a little help.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }

Julie February 10, 2014 at 11:32 am

Thank you posting your story. I’m struggling with postpartum depression and i really identified with what you wrote. I’m taking medication and in therapy so I’m hopeful I’ll be back to my old self soon.

Reply

themcbaileys February 11, 2014 at 11:20 am

Julie – THANK YOU for taking the time to read my story and for reaching out. Things will get better, I promise. It just takes a little time. And if it doesn’t start to feel better, let your doctor know. Our mental health is just as important as our physical health. I’m always here to lend an ear if you need one. Many hugs to you and I’m very proud of you for taking steps to get you back on the right track!
Hugs!
Megan

Reply

Dlisha January 15, 2014 at 3:38 pm

Thank you for your story, it sounds so similar to mine. It shows we can get better one day at a time!

Reply

themcbaileys January 16, 2014 at 2:31 pm

We sure can Dlisha! I’m so glad you stopped by. It may not be an easy road, but time heals everything right? :) xoxo

Reply

Nina Wilson December 19, 2013 at 7:16 am

Megan ..hope you are feeling better now, post partum depression is real, not your fault and we all need help once in awhile….don’t be afraid to call your mom, sister, friend or me if you need a break, don’t beat around the bush saying I’m tired, I need to sleep say “I NEED YOU TO COME HELP ME” sometimes we you friends don’t get it unless you state it as “HELP” Love you and thanks for sharing Coach Nina

Reply

themcbaileys January 3, 2014 at 10:35 pm

Thank you Nina! I’ve learned that you are right, sometimes you just need to say the word “Help” for people to truly understand you NEED their help. Thank you so much for reading my story and for stopping by! xoxo, Megan

Reply

Natalee December 17, 2013 at 3:37 pm

This brought a wave of emotion through me. You captured the feelings and misgivings of postpardum depression so vividly…thank you. I went through it bad with my second child. I felt horrid. I could look at him and feel nothing for him. I felt like a horrible person. Everything was my fault, I caused our family any misgiving. I was the cause of all things bad. I too went to the OB at the last minute and was saved. It has been two months since I started my anti-depressants (which I was embarrassed too admit that I needed) and I can say my son is the light of my life. I look at him now and can’t believe where we were months before. I too, yelled at him a couple of times and took things out too harshly on my toddler. I felt jealous of my son for my first born and had no patience for his constant crying (it didn’t help he was colicy either). Which made me feel lower than low. I was the WORST mother ever.
I am so glad to report that things are so much better now. I have tried to put those awful times in the past, reading this has brought them all back up and I am so overwhelmed with those feelings. Thank you. Because now I feel relieved to know that I wasn’t the only person who had those thoughts towards their own child. (The doctors tell you its perfectly normal, but in your mind you think they are just telling you this so you don’t kill yourself). I feel…myself again. I don’t have to feel ashamed anymore. I am so scared that my son will find out when he is older that I didn’t care less about him during weeks 3-8 (or 9 weeks?). I know it wasn’t my fault, or my sons fault or anyones fault. It just…happens.
If any of this is hitting a little close to home as a new mommy, please go get help like I did and this blogger did. It ISN’T you. You are NOT being dramatic. You can NOT do this alone. Go get help before it gets worse.
P.S. As soon as I got myself under control and the panic attacks stopped, my son relaxed right with me :) He was upset his mommy was upset. We have an extremely tight bond now.

THANK YOU!!!!!

Reply

themcbaileys December 18, 2013 at 8:42 am

Natalee thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story. I’m so glad you found me {and I now found you!!}. I know exactly every single thing you stated above. Felt the same exact way. I mean, I didn’t have two children, but with Waverly that is exactly how I was feeling. I’m so happy that you were able to seek out help and are feeling on the up and up. Makes my heart smile. And yes, as soon as I calmed down, Waverly calmed down too. Children {especially babies} seem to be more sensitive to our emotions than we realize. Very big virtual hugs & loves to you my mommy friend. xoxo

Reply

Rachel December 17, 2013 at 6:10 am

Thank you so much for this post. I recognize so many of those feelings and thoughts you described. I am currently in therapy, but am afraid at how often I just want to give up. My baby is 6 months old and my husband and I have 3 kids from his previous marriage (his 1st wife passed away). It has been a very rocky road. I don’t know whether or not to go on medication as that makes me nervous, but can’t continue to live like this either. I appreciate your post so much.

Reply

themcbaileys December 17, 2013 at 9:43 am

Oh Rachel, I sent you an email, I hope you get it. I’m so glad you found my post and if you need anything, just send me an email. I’m right here waiting. Medication can be a scary thing, but it can also be a lifesaver {it was in my case}. Sounds like you have your plate full, but I’m so glad you are seeing someone to discuss this roller coaster we call life. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. Big virtual hugs!!!

Reply

Kelli December 16, 2013 at 9:56 pm

I think you are brave! And I am extremely proud. Although I do not have a child, I know the trials depression puts on someone. It’s one of my greatest fears of one day being a mother and what if I’m not a very good one. Your story is truly hopeful! Life does not alway go as planned and we often act like we are in control. Sometimes the hardest thing is to ask for help and I am very grateful you did! Thank you for sharing your intimate human experience! And may this be the trigger for someone who needs that extra push. Xoxo!

Reply

themcbaileys December 17, 2013 at 9:36 am

Kelli you will be a wonderful mother, I have no doubt about that fact! And that is exactly right, life doesn’t always go like we thought it would and sometimes you just have to loose control to let yourself get to the place you need to be. Thank you so much for your support! xoxo

Reply

Rachael December 16, 2013 at 2:28 pm

You are so brave to share this post with everyone, Megan. It is definitely something that isn’t talked about enough and I’m certain you have touched many lives by just sharing your story. Thanks for being so honest all the time. SO thankful you sought the help you needed to get better! The world is a much brighter place with you in it and Waverly is one lucky lady to have you as her momma. Sending you lots of love and hugs!!! xoxo

Reply

themcbaileys December 17, 2013 at 9:35 am

Thank you RaeYanta {yes, I still say that whenever I see your picture, mention you, etc, it’s just the way it is! ;)}! Thank you so much for reading my story & for supporting me on this journey. AOT & loves & hugs!!

Reply

Tracy Cronin December 16, 2013 at 12:29 pm

OMG Megan! You are such a brave and strong woman. I went through Postpartum depression with my first and reading this took me right back there. You never forget that feeling but it does go away and I felt every word you wrote. I am so blessed you got the help you needed and you are still here with us. I know we don’t talk very often but I am always here if you need anything!!! I remember when Kasey was just a few weeks old and it was the middle of the night and he wouldn’t stop crying or go to sleep and I picked him up and looked at him and I knew “This is the moment when people shake their babies to death” because it was my instinct to do just that but I didn’t and my husband saw me about to break and took him from me and I just curled in a ball and cried so hard. It’s crazy how the sane, rationale person in you just disappears. I’m so glad you are feeling complete again and if it’s any comfort….I didn’t experience it at all with my second child. I was SO scared I would but didn’t at all. You are an amazing mom and I love you! AOT sweet friend!

Reply

themcbaileys December 16, 2013 at 1:56 pm

Oh Tracy, I experienced the same exact moment. Luckily I just put her down and walked away, while she was screaming her head off. At that moment I completely understood why people went to jail for harming their children, and it made me sick to my stomach that I could even think such things. However, I realize now that so many people have those thoughts and fortunately we are rationale enough to know not to follow through with such actions. My heart goes out to those who do though. While most of them are monsters, some just needed a little help to get them out of a very very dark place. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and for reading mine, means the world. AOT my friend! xoxo

Reply

Jenn December 14, 2013 at 3:38 pm

So brave of you to put your story out there to help others. You are strong and unselfish. Thank you for sharing so beautifully. Our husband and daughter (when she’s old enough) must be so proud.

Reply

themcbaileys December 14, 2013 at 5:16 pm

Thank you Jenn! I sure hope I make her proud one day. Hugs!

Reply

Kate December 13, 2013 at 9:03 pm

I feel horrible reading this. I am so sorry I haven’t been there for you more. You are doing a great job and we have all been there. I love you so much.

Reply

themcbaileys December 13, 2013 at 9:43 pm

No no no, please don’t feel bad!! There wasn’t anything you could have done KB. I promise!! You’ve called me so much. I’ve just been such a hermit and trying to navigate my way. Your support has been amazing so please don’t question that. I love you too and can’t wait to see you soon. xoxo

Reply

Britni December 13, 2013 at 6:33 pm

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I was lucky enough to have a baby that was happy from the very beginning and slept well but honestly I don’t know how I would’ve handled it if he wasn’t. My husband works a ton, I wasn’t really ready to be a mom in the first place, and I’ve definitely had those moments where I had to just hand my son over to his dad for a few minutes. I am so glad that you made the decision you did because that little girl needs her mom and so do we.

Reply

themcbaileys December 13, 2013 at 9:42 pm

I was kind of terrified to post it on your page Britni. But, I figured I had already posted it, people were reading it, I might as well share it your way if I could reach just one soul who needed to know they weren’t alone. It definitely hasn’t been easy, but she is doing SO MUCH better now. She’s much happier and so is her mommy, and I must say I’m pretty glad I’m here to see it. Hugs!

Reply

traydogg December 13, 2013 at 12:52 pm

That was so compelling Meaga! Horay for you to have the courage to write that. As mothers we often are forced to fill expectations of being the “perfect” mother. I related to your story and your right it is very common for us to have these feelings but it does not have to stay that way. Congrats again and so glad that you are feeling more like your awesone self 😉

Reply

themcbaileys December 13, 2013 at 9:40 pm

Aren’t we Tracy? There is this expectation that everything will be perfect the minute you come home. The reality is that isn’t reality!! Thank you, I’m definitely feeling much more like my awesome self. 😉

Reply

Jennifer December 13, 2013 at 11:21 am

Love-I have been where you are/were and no one can really prepare you for how bad it can get. You were right to ask for help-too often those of us who are used to being in control, being strong don’t ask….because we don’t know “how”. I’m a firm believer that the more difficult the baby (especially little girls) the more amazing little humans with unlimited potential and HUGE hearts they have. We love you. We are here for you. Get in the car-come see us. Call us-we will come sit while you sleep for hours. I know where you are and those who haven’t been through it can’t imagine how dark it can get. We are here. You are an amazing mother. If nothing else-know we are just here!

Reply

themcbaileys December 13, 2013 at 9:37 pm

Andrew kept telling me to call you Jen. Hindsight, I probably should have but I was just so withdrawn. Things are much better now with miss thang {she’s sleeping MUCH better}. That being said, I miss you guys and can’t wait to see your new digs soon. Thank you for supporting me, and making me laugh, and being my friend. xoxo

Reply

B Moore December 12, 2013 at 8:37 pm

Megan,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience on your blog; I’m sure some of those who read it can relate and learn from you. Also, I hope that others who read this may recognize some of the signs/symptoms you wrote about in your experience and get help if they are experiencing the same thing. I’m glad and thankful that you sought help. Waverly’s life, and Andrew’s, wouldn’t be the same without you; nor would anyone else’s for that matter. God knows Megan, we love you and would miss your laugh, smile, and quirks. Take care, and I hope to see you guys soon.

Reply

themcbaileys December 13, 2013 at 9:35 pm

Thank you Brandon. I’m so excited for you and Jenny and this new chapter in your lives. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you two {and your new addition}. <3

Reply

Laura December 12, 2013 at 4:18 pm

Thank you for sharing! I love you so much. ❤️

Reply

themcbaileys December 12, 2013 at 7:24 pm

Love you the mostest my friend. <3

Reply

Kim Blake December 12, 2013 at 1:55 pm

Aw, Megan. This made me cry. You have such strength to have shared this. Thank you. I haven’t had PPD, but I certainly have felt overwhelmed and exhausted…and close to the brink. Glad you sought out help, because your family definitely needs you. I understand that sense of guilt when you are struggling with a gift that you wanted more than anything and weren’t sure you would ever have (I have endometriosis). It’s so important that we talk about our struggles – infertility, motherhood, etc. Otherwise, we suffer in silence.

Reply

themcbaileys December 12, 2013 at 7:23 pm

Thank you Kim! Exactly, so many of us struggle with the same things and we are just too embarrassed, ashamed, timid, fearful {I could go on} to open up and talk about them. It’s hard to look at her and truly be frustrated when I know she may have never even been here. Thank you for your note and for sharing your struggles. xoxo

Reply

Shannah @ Just Us Four December 12, 2013 at 1:52 pm

I am literally in tears reading this. You are such an amazing person and both your husband and daughter are so much better for having you in their life.
Your willingness to share this is so brave and so very important. Too many women become embarrassed or afraid that no one will understand and, therefore, do not seek the treatment they desperately need. Post partum depression is a very real thing that needs very real treatment…not hiding it and hoping it will go away. Thank you for being the amazing woman you are and a) recognizing that you needed the help and b) being strong and brave enough to seek it. I am so happy to hear that things have improved.
If you ever need anything(!), you know you always can call me. I can’t prescribe prescriptions or anything like that but I can sure make sure you get to the right person who CAN help you.
And to end my novel, I want to remind you how incredible you are. You are an amazing friend, wife and now mother. Always remember that.

Reply

themcbaileys December 12, 2013 at 7:22 pm

Oh Shannah you have always been one of my biggest supporters and for that I will always be grateful. I miss our daily chats, even if they were a few years ago. Hope to see you soon my friend. And thanks for being my friend, always. <3

Reply

Dara Green December 12, 2013 at 1:46 pm

Dear sweet, wonderful,brave Megan,

I’m so honored to know you and so proud of you for finding the strength and courage to ask for help. I wish I could reach through this iPad and hug you…it took such courage and bravery….thank you so much for sharing, not many people could…you are truly a wonder Megan….I’m so glad Waverly cried, I don’t want to imagine this world without your beautiful soul.

Love and hugs, always,
Dara

Reply

themcbaileys December 12, 2013 at 7:20 pm

Awww Dara that made me tear up. Thank god for that little miracle. Seems the Big Guy has big plans for her. xoxo to you!

Reply

Karen Smith December 12, 2013 at 12:34 pm

You truly are an amazing woman and an inspiration to others! It took a lot of courage to speak out and you are going to help so many woman who struggle with this! Even though I’m not a Mother, I wanted you to know you touched my heart and I want to thank you for sharing!

Reply

themcbaileys December 12, 2013 at 7:19 pm

Thank you Karen!!I really hope I’m able to help some other ladies out there (even if they aren’t mothers and are just struggling). Your words are too kind. Hugs!!

Reply

Marcia December 12, 2013 at 11:45 am

You were so brave to post that, Megan. It’s like a mental illness that you don’t want to admit to anyone. What I find so ironic is that it is usually the gals who are fun loving, happy with life before, and have good sense of humors who get the worst post postpartum depressions. I am speaking for myself in particular. I loved my baby dearly but also resented her being so dependent on my and taking up so much of my sleep and time. Then the guilt for feeling that way causes depression and the depression causes thoughts like you had. I, too, sought help but that was 30 some years ago and male doctors didn’t know what we were talking about. I got no help but through the grace of God got through it. Just wanted you to know “been there done that” and how wonderful that things have changed in the past 30 years. Doctors now realize it is real and they know how to “fix” it.

Reply

themcbaileys December 12, 2013 at 11:54 am

Thank you Marcia-May. There are so many things that folks just used to “brush off” back then. It pains me for your generation of women, with a plethora of male doctors who just didn’t “get it.” I wish there would have been something back then to help you, but so glad that you got through it. And yep, the smiley, make light of the situation, laughing girl got hit hard. Took me down with a quickness. But I’m on my way back up. Miss you!! xoxo

Reply

kelly December 12, 2013 at 11:30 am

you are an amazing pillar of strength and i have and always will admire you. it’s posts like this that help bring awareness to something that is definitely more common than people think. i plan on coming back to this blog when i finally decide to go down the mommy road. i know your posts will help guide me through it. xoxo AOT

Reply

themcbaileys December 12, 2013 at 11:52 am

Thank you Kelly! Motherhood is an amazing and fulfilling journey, but it definitely isn’t pink ribbons and ponies. I just hope I can help one other person, that’s all. And then my work here is done. Thank you for following along and for your kind words. AOT!!!

Reply

Leave a Comment

{ 2 trackbacks }

Previous post:

Next post: