{The Beast Within: Postpartum Rage}

March 1, 2014

Postpartum Rage | TheMcBaileys.com

I wrote the post below after an exhausting emotional day/night. I wish I could explain to people what Postpartum Rage feels like. My husband asked me after I sobbed, uncontrollably, for an hour “What happened?” and I couldn’t even begin to start to explain in words what happens when “the monster” rears her head. It’s like your body/mind is being taken over. Words fly out of your mouth and you don’t even know what you are saying. Sometimes I don’t even know what I’ve said or done. It’s almost like an out-of-body experience.

I can’t tell you why I’m mad. I can’t tell you how I got so mad. I can’t tell you why that certain situation, look, conversation took me over the edge. All I know is that my whole body is buzzing with rage. I’m not mad, I’m not pissed, I’m filled with rage.

I just looked up the definition of rage and it was spot-on: feel or express violent uncontrollable anger. There you go. Rage. {I’m sitting here watching the cursor blink…I don’t even know what to say after that.}
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I lay here, face down on my bed, realizing that I’m not okay. I’ve spent the past three months convincing myself that I’m getting better, that I am better. But, I’m not okay. I just screamed at my husband like lunatic, considered harming the baby because she keeps pulling my hair, and telling the cat to “F*ck off” because she meowed at me. Clearly, I’m not “okay”.

I thought that with a little medication, and a lot of positive thinking, I could will away this postpartum depression and rage. It’s clear to me now that I cannot.

I’ve tried to get help, to talk to someone. I’ve called over 10 therapists, not a one is accepting new patients. Only one truly took me serious and offered her ear for a few minutes, reassuring me that it WOULD get better.

But tonight, as I lay here with tears steaming down my face, snot clogging up my nose, I’m starting to think maybe I can’t be trusted with our daughter. It’s possible I am a lunatic. Who and what am I becoming?

This postpartum rage is waging war, and it’s winning the battle. The monster inside of me just won’t die and it’s eating away at my soul in small tiny pieces each day. You probably think I’m being melodramatic. If you could read my mind most days, you’d be glad I’m sparing you the horrid and violent details.

That little voice inside of me that wills me to keep quiet, urges me to calm down, and talks me off the ledge is being crushed by that big deep voice coming from the depths. Can someone please stop it?

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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Libby March 11, 2014 at 10:55 am

Megan,
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. It must be extremely difficult. It sounds like you have done a lot to try to get help. A couple of suggestions that I have, if you haven’t thought of them/tried them already. Have you considered or looked into going to a support group for post-partum depression? If I remember correctly, my sister went to one and found it helpful. My own experience with a support group is a very positive one because you have the chance to talk to others who are walking the walk, which can be very powerful. One other thing, again, maybe you have already been down this road, or thought of it…but it could be that a change in the dose or type of medication you are taking might help. I hope that you are able to find some more hope and peace as the days go on. Hugs to you, Libby

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themcbaileys March 13, 2014 at 11:34 am

Libster! I actually haven’t gone the support group route, but I think that is an excellent idea. After I read your note I looked for one at Inova and also made a call to another one mentioned in an online forum. Definitely discussing the change in dose. It may just be a tad too low to get my brain around this ridiculousness. Love you so much for your always positive attitude and amazing support. Love, Megan

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Teena March 11, 2014 at 10:01 am

This breaks my heart to read. I know we only know each other via the internet, but I still feel a friendship with you, and I hate that you are going through this struggle. I don’t suffer with post partum, but as I’ve told you before, much of what you describe is very similar to the grief that I am struggling with, so I do feel like I can relate to a degree. I wish you strength & patience to get keep putting one foot in front of the other, and just keep reaching out for help. Call every doctor in the area until you find one who will take you. In the meantime, seek out group therapy with others going through this, and online support groups, so you can talk to people who have been where you are. Don’t give in, and don’t give up. You’ve got this. Lots of love.

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themcbaileys March 13, 2014 at 11:32 am

Teena – it’s strange that you and I have never met, but I still consider us friends. Weird, right? Yes, but so awesome. I cannot even begin to imagine the grief that you have gone through and continue to experience. I think of you often and even mention you to the big guy at night, you know just in case he’s listening. I’ve taken to bugging my OB to get me in somewhere and he’s completely on board. So much love to you and thank you for your note, continued support, and endless laughter. xoxo, Megan

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Mindy March 10, 2014 at 11:07 pm

Megan, I’ve been seeing a wonderful doctor at Inova Fairfax for several years. I love her. She has helped me through my worst – after giving birth to my youngest and feeling totally overwhelmed, tired, angry, and lost. I’d be happy to give you her name and number if you want. You’re gonna survive this. It will get better. *Hugs*

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themcbaileys March 11, 2014 at 9:18 am

Mindy, thank you so much. It is extremely overwhelming at times, but I know it will get better. I’m certain of it. I would LOVE her name/contact info if you don’t mind sharing! Can you send me an email with her information? http://themcbaileys.com/contact/ xoxo, Megan

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Marcia March 10, 2014 at 7:42 pm

Dear Megan,
I wish there was something I could say or do to make you all better except “been there done that” and survived. You won’t hurt your precious baby. You love her too much. I told Erin I hated her one time at Seashore State Park when she wanted to nurse all night. When I took her off the boob she would scream. Your family was camping right next to ours and Bubba and Faye were close by. I didn’t want to wake anyone so I let her nurse ’til I was raw. It was also hot and humid and I wanted to be left alone. I threw (please God no) her to the back of the bed and told her I hated her. Then stupid me told her when she was an adult and she has held it against me ever since:-) I will be praying for you and you pray for yourself when you get those feelings. God listens!

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themcbaileys March 10, 2014 at 8:50 pm

Oh Marcia-May she isn’t holding it against you!! Sometimes I admit what I’m thinking to Waverly, but she doesn’t understand and won’t remember. Actually, she usually smiles. Which, in turn, makes me smile {even at my worst}. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for being so brave back when no one wanted to talk about it / acknowledge it / understand it. You are such a strong woman. All of my love!!! Megan

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Dara March 10, 2014 at 6:06 pm

Megan, my sweet Megan, you will be ok, and I’d even offer to drive up there and help you find someone. You are a strong woman, to document this and put it out there… I have nothing but pride for you…because it takes someone with courage and strength to put these seeming difficult thoughts into words. I am willing to help as I am sure there are others that will offer as well. So from va beach I send you hugs and love and an ear should you ever need one….Dara

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themcbaileys March 10, 2014 at 8:46 pm

Thank you Dara! I just don’t want other people to feel alone or like the are the only one. I also want the world to know that this is not something you take a pill for and you are magically better. I appreciate your hugs and your love from afar. Means a lot. xoxo, Megan

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Tammy March 10, 2014 at 5:56 pm

Megan,

I know with out a doubt that you are getting the support that you need right now…because I know the Bailey’s and I know that you have a loving and supportive family of your own. I also know what depression can do to you. I lost everything I once cared about because of depression. I am not looking for sympathy here…I am just saying that I know some of what you are feeling. I wish now that I would have listened to that inner voice that told me everyday that something was wrong and that I had better do something about it before it was too late. I truly wish that I had the perfect words to make it all go away and help you feel better…but I don’t. I hope you succeed in kicking depressions ass and find peace in your beautiful life.

Tammy

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themcbaileys March 10, 2014 at 8:44 pm

Tammy I think that last line is EXACTLY what I will do “Kicking depression’s ass and finding peace in your beautiful life”, because that’s what I MUST do. xoxo, Megan

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